See this face
This is what I live for. I was looking through photos the other night and found my heart swelling. I was choking back tears. I saw all the good memories we have made over the years. This year, not so much. I spent a lot of this year being very angry. I wasn't at first. I was in shock and on auto drive. My heart hurt so much for that face that I just shut down. I was watching my child ripping at the seams because of my illness. I didn't know if she would make it through, but she did, we all did.
Now that dust has settled I found myself angry. AT EVERYONE! Not really but it was close. I really started getting angry when I would open up a little about being cut from breast to groin and people comparing my life saving surgery to their elective c-section. That's where it started, but it grew and grew. It turned into hatred. Boiling anger. I found myself yelling almost always and on the verge of a panic attack most days. I am being honest here so please don't beat me up (verbally). I am my own worse critic. Anyway, it needed to stop or I was going to self destruct and possibly ruin relationships.
I am not sure how I got there, I didn't like that person but I created her. The point is, she is gone. I was shaken, for a lack of better word, and I'm pulling my shizzal together. I don't know if it was just the cancer or if it was a multitude of things. Moving 1,000 miles away, autism, house fire, cancer, tornado, MS crackhead sperm donor (aka biological father lived with us briefly), owning a business and running it 24/7. I think it all just became a bit much for one person to handle. Yes, I, Meagan, am a control freak. I think I must handle it all, all alone and my way. WTH was I thinking? I have to ask for help. I can't do everything alone. When I do die, people won't measure my character by the way I cleaned my home or prepared meals or even how ran my business. All that really matters is that which is under the same roof. These two loves that saw me through it all.
Let me mention too, that when you have BIG SCARY stuff happening people disappear. People you thought were friends, aren't. Family that claims to love you, have hidden agendas. Strangers will end up being your BEST friends. I have to say that I have made some unbelievable friendships this past year. People I actually can say I love. One friend I made, I even got to hug her neck. She is a rare jewel.
How's that for randomness? I will end with saying a big fat thank you to Jami, without you by my side through all of this I couldn't have made it. You are a saint, you are so patient. You I adore. Thank you.
