It's getting close to the two year mark since I last blogged personally. A lot has happen. Jan 2013

was the last post. In Feb we started looking for houses. Man at the misleading ads with great photography. There was at least 3 I was in love with that I have no idea how they even shot the 

properties. Really, like one had a killer HUGE kitchen and a sweeping front yard. We got there, secretly I knew this was my house, but then we pull up. Uh......where is the yard? My kitchen, where is my kitchen? This is a miniature scale but where is my kitchen? Needless to say we carried on until April, this is when we decided to look out side our current school district and somehow, there.she.was. I knew from the moment the listing came up she would be M.I.N.E! 

I will spare you the nightmare leading up to moving, but now it July 15th, we sign papers and move the same day with movers who show up at 4pm. Yeah, I am sure you can see where that is going but I will again spare you and fast forward to 1:30 am and this little nugget. Do you see all that joy? Worth all the shenanigans leading up to that moment. Fast forward to Aug and you can see as we begin the huge overhaul in my work space. Then a little over a month later, oopsie! Not really, but yes we tore down an entire wall of pink faux marble to find brick, only to discover the industrial grade adhesive has damaged it beyond repair. So eventually, in Jan 2014, we built this. Slowly but surely we are making it ours. 

I took the summer of 2013 off and I really enjoyed it. As Dec rapidly approached I decided after speaking with Jami to take a break, a much needed, extended break. See I worked all through my illness, drove myself to surgeries, oncology appts, continued mammos with biopsies and GI with biopsies. I felt like I was on a damn hamster wheel in lab and I needed a fucking break before I was broken. I guess the lesson is deal with things as they come rather than pretend all is fine? I'm guessing that's not concrete yet and I will be facing that lesson again.  Anywhos, took a break from Jan 2014-Sept 2014 and played hard, well in my way. I learn about quilting, embroidery, tried new tools.......SO.MUCH.FUN. Honestly, I didn't think I would go back to patterning and started the idea of maybe working outside the home. No go. So then as Sept rolled around the strangest thing happened. I began to get excited again about work.

So here we are, I am back at work and might I say.......I am more excited about work than I have been EVER! I have ideas just pouring out of me. I have to take notes 24/7 to keep them all from being lost. Work is my life and for a while there it wasn't even my friend. I got a little distracted but now it's full steam ahead. Wahooos!

Lost My Shizzal for Mizzal

See this face 

This is what I live for. I was looking through photos the other night and found my heart swelling. I was choking back tears. I saw all the good memories we have made over the years. This year, not so much. I spent a lot of this year being very angry. I wasn't at first. I was in shock and on auto drive. My heart hurt so much for  that face that I just shut down. I was watching my child ripping at the seams because of my illness. I didn't know if she would make it through, but she did, we all did. 

Now that dust has settled I found myself angry. AT EVERYONE! Not really but it was close. I really started getting angry when I would open up a little about being cut from breast to groin and people comparing my life saving surgery to their elective c-section. That's where it started, but it grew and grew. It turned into hatred. Boiling anger. I found myself yelling almost always and on the verge of a panic attack most days. I am being honest here so please don't beat me up (verbally). I am my own worse critic. Anyway, it needed to stop or I was going to self destruct and possibly ruin relationships.

I am not sure how I got there, I didn't like that person but I created her. The point is, she is gone. I was shaken, for a lack of better word, and I'm pulling my shizzal together. I don't know if it was just the cancer or if it was a multitude of things. Moving 1,000 miles away, autism, house fire, cancer, tornado, MS crackhead sperm donor (aka biological father lived with us briefly), owning a business and running it 24/7. I think it all just became a bit much for one person to handle. Yes, I, Meagan, am a control freak. I think I must handle it all, all alone and my way. WTH was I thinking? I have to ask for help. I can't do everything alone. When I do die, people won't measure my character by the way I cleaned my home or prepared meals or even how ran my business. All that really matters is that which is under the same roof. These two loves that saw me through it all. 

Let me mention too, that when you have BIG SCARY stuff happening people disappear. People you thought were friends, aren't. Family that claims to love you, have hidden agendas. Strangers will end up being your BEST friends. I have to say that I have made some unbelievable friendships this past year. People I actually can say I love. One friend I made,  I even got to hug her neck. She is a rare jewel. 

How's that for randomness? I will end with saying a big fat thank you to Jami, without you by my side through all of this I couldn't have made it. You are a saint, you are so patient. You I adore. Thank you. 

Ants, Flies and Crickets OH MY!

Ok, so it's nothing new to anyone that I have grown to hate my rental property for many reasons, yet we stay because of the school Rybug is in. She has been there 2 yrs and the programs are unbeliveable, so we stay.

Last night as I laid in bed listening to the crickets, inside, under my freaking bed. I realized this was our 3rd miserable summer here. It starts like this. In late June we get flies, every year. Let me set the scene for you. Beautiful view of the lake, birds chirping, butterflies flying, children in canoes floating by and FLY TRAPS blocking every freaking view! Yep, the old glue traps that hang down 2 feet or so, lovely shade of yellow with flies twitching as they die.

Then right as the flies all denigrate the LARGE black ants come in. They are so BIG but they really don't bother me much, they are easy moving targets. They really just stalk the trash. They don't stay long.

Then crickets start! Lord help me, those crickets are gonna make me lose my ever loving mind! I haven't personally ever seen one, although Jami has, but I hear them. I see their eggs. They mate like freaking rabbits, hundreds of eggs. So anywho, last night I thought I may lose my shizzal and hunt one down and pull it's legs off one by one. It's not in my nature to be cruel but laws they were chatting up a storm last night.

What do you suppose crickets chat about, lets face it, they are crickets, not much, right? They don't have bills to pay, a mortgage, car payment, I mean what's there job besides filling the bellies of fish? What in the hell could be so important that they chat about it from midnight until 6 am? The even talk over each other, that's when I get super annoyed. When they are all in harmony like they are singing, it is bad but when there is 17 all at different times, OMG! Back to what the heck could they be chatting about???? Maybe it's their kids, lord knows they must each have 1,000, guess that is reason enough for all the chatter.

Heed my warnings little creatures, mama didn't sleep because of you last night. Tonight, I will pull all furniture from the walls sweep your babies outside and feed your large elders to the fish! Let me sleep or beware!

I told you there would be a follow up to the last one. This is why I am thankful for cancer......cancer changed my life. It was/is a blessing. From finding out who really loves you to learning to let go of control. My life as I knew it before Feb. 26th is never going to be the same.

Let's start with the biggest change, the one I still struggle with, control. I feel the need to control everything in MY LIFE. I can admit that, Hi. I am Meagan and I am a control freak. That said, I have had to let go of sooooo much. There was so much I simply could NOT do and the good news, (as Jami would say) it didn't kill me. Hehe. I am a work in progress, I test myself. I now put myself in situations and let go. I still know this is my biggest area to improve and it eventually will reward me the most. I have to say a very special thank you to my biggest supporter, Jami. I can't imagine having gone through this without you. You are my best friend and I adore you.

Another HUGE conquest is "NO"! This has been a struggle my whole life. Saying no is OK. You can't please everyone and still make yourself happy. You can say no to friends and family, you can say no to your customers, just say NO! This has given me a whole new sense of freedom. It is allowing me to be a more authentic ME!

Next there is relationships........friendships, romantic and family. Everything is crystal clear now. I know who my real friends are, I know who I can and cannot depend on. Some might find it sad that the circle is so small but I don't see it that way. I see it as a blessing. Blessed that each person's role was very clear and each person was/is able to shine. Blessed with so many new relationships over the past year and people I truly love. Part of this too, is telling people I love them and not worrying if I get it back. Saying I love you and not "Love ya", I can be sincere with the people I care for.

Lastly (but not, there is so many blessings I could write for days)..........fear, I have lived in fear. Fear of losing people I love, fear of the unknown, fear of DEATH the BIG one, fear of failure (this one I may always battle). I found that fear kept me paralyzed trying new thing because I may fail, paralyzed. I now find myself feeling the need to do things I wouldn't have normally. I want to try new things, I want to forget about the past, I don't want to try to rationalize irrational fears. I want to LIVE rather than just breathe in and out.

So this basically sums up how I am feeling today. I haven't felt sorry for myself. Not once. I haven't really processed it either. It all happened so fast. Two surgeries less than 8 wks apart. Today though, today I feel pissed off. Most days I am grateful but today I feel pissed. My back hurts, it hurts because they sliced through most of my stomach muscle straight down to my groin, leaving my back muscles weak. I am not angry because of the pain but because the pain keeps me from doing what I love the most......or doing anything for that matter. I haven't been able to do laundry for almost 4 months. I can't bend over to pick stuff up. I can't carry things over 5 lbs, I can't hold my child. I am grateful I have beat it thus far and that my treatment wasn't as grueling as it could have been, but I am allowed to be pissed.

I feel like SCREAMING at the next person who tells me I am lucky. I know I am lucky, but I am also allowed to mourn my loss of freedom, hate my scars, say today sucks and that I am having a bad day. Today, well I guess I am processing some of it. I am really good at avoiding stuff I don't want to process. I pretend it doesn't exist. Today when trying to sew a outfit for Bug,  I literally felt like my back was going to burst open and my innards fall out.  I realized I had to lay down. That I am not healed, that in fact I need bed rest for another month. So today I say F U cancer! Today I win a little of me back. Tomorrow I will get up and try again.

Side note.......there maybe a future post on what blessings have come out of this all, but just not today. ;)