Ants, Flies and Crickets OH MY!

Ok, so it's nothing new to anyone that I have grown to hate my rental property for many reasons, yet we stay because of the school Rybug is in. She has been there 2 yrs and the programs are unbeliveable, so we stay.

Last night as I laid in bed listening to the crickets, inside, under my freaking bed. I realized this was our 3rd miserable summer here. It starts like this. In late June we get flies, every year. Let me set the scene for you. Beautiful view of the lake, birds chirping, butterflies flying, children in canoes floating by and FLY TRAPS blocking every freaking view! Yep, the old glue traps that hang down 2 feet or so, lovely shade of yellow with flies twitching as they die.

Then right as the flies all denigrate the LARGE black ants come in. They are so BIG but they really don't bother me much, they are easy moving targets. They really just stalk the trash. They don't stay long.

Then crickets start! Lord help me, those crickets are gonna make me lose my ever loving mind! I haven't personally ever seen one, although Jami has, but I hear them. I see their eggs. They mate like freaking rabbits, hundreds of eggs. So anywho, last night I thought I may lose my shizzal and hunt one down and pull it's legs off one by one. It's not in my nature to be cruel but laws they were chatting up a storm last night.

What do you suppose crickets chat about, lets face it, they are crickets, not much, right? They don't have bills to pay, a mortgage, car payment, I mean what's there job besides filling the bellies of fish? What in the hell could be so important that they chat about it from midnight until 6 am? The even talk over each other, that's when I get super annoyed. When they are all in harmony like they are singing, it is bad but when there is 17 all at different times, OMG! Back to what the heck could they be chatting about???? Maybe it's their kids, lord knows they must each have 1,000, guess that is reason enough for all the chatter.

Heed my warnings little creatures, mama didn't sleep because of you last night. Tonight, I will pull all furniture from the walls sweep your babies outside and feed your large elders to the fish! Let me sleep or beware!

I told you there would be a follow up to the last one. This is why I am thankful for cancer......cancer changed my life. It was/is a blessing. From finding out who really loves you to learning to let go of control. My life as I knew it before Feb. 26th is never going to be the same.

Let's start with the biggest change, the one I still struggle with, control. I feel the need to control everything in MY LIFE. I can admit that, Hi. I am Meagan and I am a control freak. That said, I have had to let go of sooooo much. There was so much I simply could NOT do and the good news, (as Jami would say) it didn't kill me. Hehe. I am a work in progress, I test myself. I now put myself in situations and let go. I still know this is my biggest area to improve and it eventually will reward me the most. I have to say a very special thank you to my biggest supporter, Jami. I can't imagine having gone through this without you. You are my best friend and I adore you.

Another HUGE conquest is "NO"! This has been a struggle my whole life. Saying no is OK. You can't please everyone and still make yourself happy. You can say no to friends and family, you can say no to your customers, just say NO! This has given me a whole new sense of freedom. It is allowing me to be a more authentic ME!

Next there is relationships........friendships, romantic and family. Everything is crystal clear now. I know who my real friends are, I know who I can and cannot depend on. Some might find it sad that the circle is so small but I don't see it that way. I see it as a blessing. Blessed that each person's role was very clear and each person was/is able to shine. Blessed with so many new relationships over the past year and people I truly love. Part of this too, is telling people I love them and not worrying if I get it back. Saying I love you and not "Love ya", I can be sincere with the people I care for.

Lastly (but not, there is so many blessings I could write for days)..........fear, I have lived in fear. Fear of losing people I love, fear of the unknown, fear of DEATH the BIG one, fear of failure (this one I may always battle). I found that fear kept me paralyzed trying new thing because I may fail, paralyzed. I now find myself feeling the need to do things I wouldn't have normally. I want to try new things, I want to forget about the past, I don't want to try to rationalize irrational fears. I want to LIVE rather than just breathe in and out.

So this basically sums up how I am feeling today. I haven't felt sorry for myself. Not once. I haven't really processed it either. It all happened so fast. Two surgeries less than 8 wks apart. Today though, today I feel pissed off. Most days I am grateful but today I feel pissed. My back hurts, it hurts because they sliced through most of my stomach muscle straight down to my groin, leaving my back muscles weak. I am not angry because of the pain but because the pain keeps me from doing what I love the most......or doing anything for that matter. I haven't been able to do laundry for almost 4 months. I can't bend over to pick stuff up. I can't carry things over 5 lbs, I can't hold my child. I am grateful I have beat it thus far and that my treatment wasn't as grueling as it could have been, but I am allowed to be pissed.

I feel like SCREAMING at the next person who tells me I am lucky. I know I am lucky, but I am also allowed to mourn my loss of freedom, hate my scars, say today sucks and that I am having a bad day. Today, well I guess I am processing some of it. I am really good at avoiding stuff I don't want to process. I pretend it doesn't exist. Today when trying to sew a outfit for Bug,  I literally felt like my back was going to burst open and my innards fall out.  I realized I had to lay down. That I am not healed, that in fact I need bed rest for another month. So today I say F U cancer! Today I win a little of me back. Tomorrow I will get up and try again.

Side note.......there maybe a future post on what blessings have come out of this all, but just not today. ;)