So this basically sums up how I am feeling today. I haven't felt sorry for myself. Not once. I haven't really processed it either. It all happened so fast. Two surgeries less than 8 wks apart. Today though, today I feel pissed off. Most days I am grateful but today I feel pissed. My back hurts, it hurts because they sliced through most of my stomach muscle straight down to my groin, leaving my back muscles weak. I am not angry because of the pain but because the pain keeps me from doing what I love the most......or doing anything for that matter. I haven't been able to do laundry for almost 4 months. I can't bend over to pick stuff up. I can't carry things over 5 lbs, I can't hold my child. I am grateful I have beat it thus far and that my treatment wasn't as grueling as it could have been, but I am allowed to be pissed.
I feel like SCREAMING at the next person who tells me I am lucky. I know I am lucky, but I am also allowed to mourn my loss of freedom, hate my scars, say today sucks and that I am having a bad day. Today, well I guess I am processing some of it. I am really good at avoiding stuff I don't want to process. I pretend it doesn't exist. Today when trying to sew a outfit for Bug, I literally felt like my back was going to burst open and my innards fall out. I realized I had to lay down. That I am not healed, that in fact I need bed rest for another month. So today I say F U cancer! Today I win a little of me back. Tomorrow I will get up and try again.
Side note.......there maybe a future post on what blessings have come out of this all, but just not today. ;)
Punch a pillow, kick the air, and scream at the sky...I would too. When you're done, sit real still and try your best to feel my arms around you. I'm so sorry, so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm ok, something you just have to get it out and once it's out, it's over. Thanks for the support.
DeleteVery moved Meagan. You are so strong I am so blessed to know you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Heather. Glad to have you as a friend.
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